Finding a Kinky Partner - Part II

by Tamar Kay
Copyright © Tamar Kay.

This is the second article in my series on finding a kinky partner. In my last article we focused on who you are. Next I'll talk about the person you might be looking for and how to interest them. The best way to make yourself interesting to others is to be interested in them.

Again, please keep in mind that this article is a reflection of my experience and may or may not be useful to you. I encourage you to take in any information about relationships with a critical eye. Only you can decide what works for you.

Last time I examined some ways to describe your own kinky interests, which can be useful when you're trying to find someone to match you. But who are you looking for?

Perhaps you've given it a lot of thought (after having read last month's article and, of course, SM101 cover-to-cover.) Now you have a pretty clear idea of what you're looking for. That's a fine start, but now try thinking more about that other person--not what you want from them, but what they might want from you. The sort of person you're looking for--what would they be looking for? What would that someone get from being with you?

Relationships work best when all parties get more out of being together than being apart, when they get their wants and needs met most of the time. In short, when the benefits outweigh the costs. The better you understand a potential partner's wants and needs, the better you'll be able to negotiate about and meet those needs. By putting yourself in that person's place, you may start to understand what they might want. Think about the issues from the other side. Ask yourself what a potential partner might be most concerned with.

For example, a successful business person might be concerned with discretion--will you be able to go out on dates and "pass" as vanilla in vanilla circles? A very attractive partner might be concerned with anything but physical appearance--they might need to feel wanted for who they are inside more than for their looks. And many women are concerned with the safety of a new partner. Can you address those issues?

Everyone wants something. See if you can figure out what it is. Those will be the keys to engaging in a successful relationship.

If you're a heterosexual man, you may be thinking that it's harder to find women, and that you're at a disadvantage. There's some truth to that, since there usually appear to be more men in the scene than women. But remember that you aren't competing with all other men, just the ones who are looking for the same things you are, which (remember last month's column?) might be very specific. And be careful about getting caught in the "I can't find a partner because there aren't enough of ." That may be a convenient way to make yourself feel better about not finding what you want, but it is also a way of making the challenges someone else's problem. If you want a partner, these are your challenges, and you don't get any closer to meeting them by giving them away.

The more you know about your target group, the more likely you are to find someone in that group with whom to share a mutual attraction. Think about the needs and wants of your target group. What makes you special? What can you offer someone? What's unusual about you? Be as specific as you can. Make a list. Take some guesses. If you're really stuck, ask someone to help you. Once you have a list, try to look at it from the point of view of a potential partner. Imagine that you're your desired partner. How does the list look? What are you pleased to find there? What's missing?

Be careful on that last one; we are usually our own harshest judges.

My goal here isn't to encourage you to list all your shortcomings (though you're free to do so) but to encourage you to try to see out of the eyes of an imaginary partner. Understanding someone else's needs goes a long way toward building a successful match.

After you've made your list and given it some thought, you might want to try looking around to see if anyone you already know looks different in light of your reflections. You never know.

Next month: where should you look and how?

Copyright © Tamar Kay.

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